Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=443Vy3I0gJs

Did you watch Super Sportsball Spectacular yesterday? Were you rooting for the Broncos? If so, you are probably not reading this because you committed ritual suicide after that game. Those of you who remain are still watching wingnut heads explode over the goddamn gall of Coca-Cola to have a commercial that had many different languages.

If you are a normal person, you watched the Coke thing and thought one of two things: (1) why is this advertisement on my teevee interrupting the Seattle Seahawks’ complete evisceration of the Denver Broncos, or (2) hey, nice job Coke on getting all multi-culti up in here and also too including some homosexual type people that were actually a big old gay family, which is apparently a first for a Superbowl ad and also we are all tearing up a little bit because the ad was really sweet.

If you are not a normal person, of course, the fact that Coke showed some brown people and some funny-talking not-‘Merican language and teh gheys brought out your stone cold retrograde racist feels.

“WTF?” asked one post on Twitter. “@CocaCola has America the Beautiful being sung in different languages in a #SuperBowl commercial? We speak ENGLISH here, IDIOTS.” Some of the vitriol may have been satire for all I know, but there was much too much for that to explain all of the “English or GTFO” sentiment–not all of it in impeccable English itself. To wit: “Dear @CocaCola : America the beautiful is sang in English. Piss off. #DontFuckWithUs.”

If you are a not normal person and are also Allen West, you have literally thought of nothing else since the ad aired, and you’ve now written about it twice because you still cannot believe Coke would sully the good name of Coke with all that durka durka Messican language stuff.

First, West popped up mid-game to warn us all that a multi-language ad meant America was literally going to hell.

I am quite sure there may some who appreciated the commercial, but Coca Cola missed the mark in my opinion. If we cannot be proud enough as a country to sing “American the Beautiful” in English in a commercial during the Super Bowl, by a company as American as they come — doggone we are on the road to perdition. This was a truly disturbing commercial for me, what say you?

What say us? We say that you are a ridiculous little man who lives in a perpetual state of rage and fear. That is what us say. But West couldn’t stop there, because the mere fact of this ad’s existence is eating him alive from the inside out, just like when you put a penny in Coke as a child.

But the last thing any of us should want to see is a balkanized America. Furthermore, it has to be of concern that we have Americans who lack the resolve to take a stand for our borders, language, and culture. […]

Now, here is my recommendation of what the Coca Cola marketing executives should have done. Coke’s “America the Beautiful” should have been sung in English and showed Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen of diverse races, sex, and creed deployed all over the world drinking Coca Cola. If you truly want to show a diverse commitment to service, sacrifice, and honor that enables us to live in “America the Beautiful” that would have been rated the best commercial advertisement of the Super Bowl. And we would be here talking about how we were all touched emotionally.

Coca-Cola, why won’t you listen to your buddy Allen West? Who is more of a marketing genius than the man that has the greatest book cover of all time?

sfl-allen-west-writes-book-20131112-001

Coca-Cola, put down those brown people that talk funny and hire Allen West right now to protect your brand. Do it for yourselves. Do it for America.

[TIME/Allen West]

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  • coozledad

    Why not just have Alan West discharge a firearm by a POW’s head and then swig a Coke, and fake offer the POW some.

  • Phelt Saucier

    I can’t believe he’s not holding public office anymore. Fucking Obama.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    “We speak ENGLISH here, IDIOTS.”I looked for the same complaint about the Republican’s Spanish response to Obama’s State of the Union, but — alas — I can’t find it. Blindness to that double-standard proves we are on the road to perdition. What say you?

  • JohnBull

    I’m sure most of it was satire, much like Allen West’s book cover.

  • Ben Magno

    It’s very illustrative of a certain, fearful mentality in which America MUST be “Number 1”, even if means not only shutting out the rest of the world, but denying it exists within our own culture. If America is to be great, we must accept people want to come here, to enrich not only their own lives, but to contribute the best of what they are to us as a people. Not to be assimilated, not to allow the country to stagnate. When I was a kid, “Xenophobia” was a lousy video game. Now, it’s a lousy philosophy.

    • Duckler

      Oh, but I liked that game.

      • Ben Magno

        And it’s your right as an American to have a different point of view.

    • Laura Truxillo

      Yeah, when I was a kid, I swear I remember being taught that what made America so special (so, a little bit of jingoism) was that we have so MANY different kinds of people and culture here. The melting pot, the tossed salad, whatever you call it. The diversity of America has always been what makes it unique.It’s just beautiful and painful to see these people in lust with a concept of ‘MERRUICA that only existed in what they remember of the Saturday Evening Post for a decade, if that (although Norman Rockwell, the most Americana painter out there, still represented more diversity than they believe in), who completely ignore that complex and fascinating (and sometimes terrible) history of our country in favor of a bland, two-dimensional PlasticLand.

  • Whollyholeyholy

    ¿Que?

  • Peter Zeiler

    Can we all giggle at the fact that Mr. America here calls himself a ronin?Perhaps if they had sung in Japanese and resurrected the ghost of Kurasawa, he would have approved of the commercial.

    • elvigy

      The whole ronin thing is stupid. I’m not even sure he knows what a ronin actually is. It wasn’t a position of honor.

      • Considering that the reason he’s “retired” was because even the Bush Administration thought his actions as a military leader were unacceptable, one might say it fits. Of course, in the same mythos, he should have committed seppuku.

      • thepoliticalcat

        Ah, but he’s from teh school of “maverick=good,” not the school of etymology or linguistics or even Japanese.

  • Buddha Stalin

    I’d like to teach the world to bitch.

  • shoecityrefugee

    Has anybody brought up the fact that true Coca-Cola aficionadoes prefer the Mexican variety (when European imports are unavailable), because it contains real cane sugar instead of corn syrup?

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      I thought it was an ad for mexi-coke.

    • Sensory_Homunculus

      Yeah from Costco. Have a case in our garage. Makes delightful cocktails!!

      • Common Sense

        Really? I’m making a Costco run tomorrow & would like to try it. What’s the name?

        • redarmyzombie

          Just look for the glass Coca-Cola bottles with the words “Hecho en Mexico” on them.

        • Sensory_Homunculus

          Yeah, it’s just… Coca-Cola! Minus the legit coca of course.

  • motmelere

    I actually saw that ad, which is lucky because of the miniscule amount of time I spent watching Fox last night. I would have lost the “First Wingnut to Headsplode” pool, though; my money was on Pam Geller.

    • thepoliticalcat

      Has she not committed seppuku over this? Fie, for shame!

  • Great Stone Face

    Who does Allen West think is harvesting those amber waves of grain?

    • thepoliticalcat

      At below-par wages, no less.

  • Haribo Lector

    ” We speak ENGLISH here, IDIOTS”Speaking as an Englishman, I take issue with this. A close approximation of English, perhaps.Also what’s interesting is that one of the girls is singing in Tagalog. Tagalog has a form of the word “we” that includes the listener and one that does not. If English had that, obnoxious piss-nozzles like the tweeter above wouldn’t be able to get away with talking about “we” and “us” as though he’s speaking on our behalf.

    • elvigy

      Ahem. http://www.pbs.org/speak/ahead/change/ruining/We're no more “approximating” English than are the actual English. 🙂

      • thepoliticalcat

        Yeah, well, they were there first, dood. Reminds me of Christians waxing eloquent upon the Old Testament — which, as everyone but them seems to know, is holy scripture of the JOOZ.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    I guess it’s time to switch to Wal-Mart’s generic cola 🙁

    • Moo Cow

      Don’t. You cant piss it out fast enough. Plus it hurts coming out.

    • Common Sense

      Good idea, Alice Walton is giving all her monies to Hillz PAC.

  • docterry6973

    I am so old that my grandfather spoke German until he started in school. And I remember when it was big news if a black person appeared in a commercial at all. And when West would not be allowed to vote. So screw him.

  • Farb

    Actually, we speak a lot more than English “here”. In fact, every single day in my industrial work place I hear a lot of Spanish, several languages that are probably eastern European, one or more obviously African, and some Asian things, apparently Pilipino or Indonesian. Even someone almost tone deaf can tell that the common thread is, more or less, English, but that there are numerous souls speaking more than a half dozen languages on a regular basis. Heartland America is no longer monolingual no matter what paper bags the reactionaries pull over their heads.

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  • Evan Machugh

    That “book” cover is the most spectacularly deluded masturbation aid Mr Allen West has in his collection of spectacularly deluded masturbation aids at his Fortress (constructed of sofa cushions) of Solitude..

  • NDeeeZ

    Why do I think that if Coke HAD used service members from all branches to sing the Coke song (in English,) West would be the first one to bitch that they were whoring out our brave fighting men and women to sell their sugarjuice?

  • glennisw

    This was a truly disturbing commercial for me, That alone is sufficient evidence that he’s a nut case. Who’s truly disturbed by a Tee Vee commercial?

    • Common Sense

      A: Disturbed people.

  • $13067620

    If anyone lives in a perpetual state of fear is you. He is entitled to his opinion and I’m sure many agree with him. FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION. DEAL WITH IT.

    • schoolmarm

      First of all, huh? Opinions are like, well, a-holes he has one and so do I. What is it about the 1st Amendment that seems to baffle some folks?

      • Freedom of speech means being free from criticism. It’s right there in the Constitution!

    • Enfant Terrible

      How… ironic!

    • doktorzoom

      Sorry, where in the article did anyone say Allen West should not have the right to make an ass of himself? We encourage Allen West to make an ass of himself, as it is good for pageviews. We also take our right to call him an ass very seriously. Thanks!

    • Brendan_M

      Doktor Zoom or Kommandant-in-Chef Zoom?

    • kfreed

      “Freedom of expression”… as expressed in the Coke ad, you might even say… Besides which, nobody’s stopping West from being a ginormous douche in public… otherwise I guess we wouldn’t be reading about Allen West and his stupid opinion, eh?Personally, I love it when teabaggers take to the stump… shows the world the content of their character, so to speak;) Please proceed.

  • richardgrabman

    ¡Qué pendejo! ろくでなしの何でたくさん! Je les emmerde! Thằng khốn nạn! Stronzi! Dupki! المتسكعو! אידיוטים!

  • Enfant Terrible

    3rd-generation Norwegian here, grew up in Minneapolis. As recently as the 1960s, there were churches in Minnesota where the services were in German, Norwegian and Swedish. And the barkers at the State Fair delivered their spiels in those languages as well.

  • Jaime Oria

    ‘Ronin’ West was probably dying on the inside every time he went on patrol during his time in Iraq. Not a lot of English spoken there. His Iraqi interpreters must have loved him.

  • shawnthesheep

    Someone should clue West and the other Flag-humpers in on the fact that “America the Beautiful” was written by a lesbian who left the Republican party in the early 1900’s because of its increasing xenophobia. Irony is not something that’s in the RWNJ vocabulary.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Coca-Cola is the company who brought us the ” I’d like to teach the world to sing” ad back in the 70’s. So this isn’t that out of character really. Also, doesn’t anybody remember those “I am America” ads that aired right after 9/11? Those had basically the same message, yet no one complained then.

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  • Justin Banks

    “If you are not a normal person, of course, the fact that Coke showed some brown people and some funny-talking not-’Merican language and teh gheys brought out your stone cold retrograde racist feels.” It’s amazing how the author turns this into racism. How obtuse and moronic. Amazing times. I’m 100% for people being proud of their heritage….but I’m more interested in people, like my Grandparents from Hungary, Poland and Lithuania, doing everything possible to assimilate and become American. I would have absolutely loved that ad with the EXACT same people in it…taking a class in English and trying to assimilate. This overemphasis on maintaining ones original culture is causing our culture to fracture. St. Patrick’s Day is one day…that’s cool. It’s not 365 days. We used to be a melting pot…now it feels like they want us to be a thousand different groups, all distinct, and placed in separate pots. Allen West could not be more correct on this issue.

    • Common Sense

      I would absolutely love it if Americans who only speak one language would assimilate by speaking Italian when they order pasta, Spanish when they order tacos, Hebrew when they order bagels, Chinese when they order lo mein & Japanese when they order sushi. Also too if fundies would assimilate into secular America…

      • Justin Banks

        Well that makes a lot of sense. Not. If you want to order food in the corresponding language, knock yourself out. No harm there at all. It might make you look a bit pompous, at worst. If you want to succeed in this country and get ahead, I strongly recommend English.

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    • arrrghle

      This is a global globe and we need to be able to speak many languages. If I had grown up in Europe where multiple languages are spoken by most people and taught to kids in school starting at young ages, I wouldn’t owe my soul to Duolingo. It’s not easy learning a language at my advanced age. I love hearing different languages on the streets! MOAR LANGUAGES!

      • Justin Banks

        I recommend you start with English first. You meant MORE languages, not MOAR languages. But that’s okay, I speak Typo.

  • AnOuthouse

    Allen West: Real Americans wear brown shirts.

  • Brendan_M

    Before all you liebrul commie symps and diversity-mongers start buying all the Coca-Cola, keep in mind that Coca-Cola has a long history of working with right-wing death squads in Columbia. Many union organizers at their bottling plants have been harassed, kidnapped, tortured, and/or murdered. Normally, Allen West’s love of torture would take precedence over some hippie ad, but these death squads committed their atrocities IN SPANISH.

  • kfreed

    If I’ve learned anything at all of late it’s that right-wingers have a real hate-on for happy nice time no matter who or what it involves. Other people’s happiness, it turns out. is an affront to their right to be miserly, miserable individuals on a 24/7 basis.

  • Texas Mel

    Here we have the opposite happening. Hispanic kids can’t speak Spanish. It’s a little sad. That Coke as was adorable though. West is a paid Blight Wing Thug, nothing more.