Bastian takes the book home and stares at the cover. And for no real reason, the AURYN logo on the front cover briefly comes alive. In glorious stop-motion animation, one of the snake heads looks directly at Bastian, its eyes glowing a sinister red. Bastian's reaction seems a bit subdued, but let's compare and contrast, shall we?
Bastian spills a box of cereal.
Bastian sees the cover of a book
come alive and stare at him.
Bastian then actually reaches into the cover and pulls off the AURYN. It's a cool effect, but I have no idea what prompted him do that.
"Sweet, now let's see what happens when I reach into the cover of my dad's Playboy!"
The voice of the Childlike Empress is heard once again, calling him back to Fantasia. She, too, gives us no clue why he left in the first place. The words in the book get all sparkly and glowing, and next thing you know, Bastian is back in Fantasia, riding across a lake in what looks like a big gravy boat.
Yeah, so there you have it. In the first movie, there was a whole meta-fictional angle about how Bastian could actually affect the story he was reading, which was pretty much the whole hook of the movie. But here, the concept is instantly tossed aside, and the book becomes little more than a gateway to pass between the two worlds.
"Wow, when they called this book the
Illustrated History of Nuclear Power, they weren't screwing around!"
Well, at the very least, he'll be able to defeat the
evil Mashed Potato forces.
Bastian is heading towards a city, but in the first example of this movie's haphazard editing, we get no time to absorb this. Instead, we immediately pay a visit to a dark castle, which is home to a woman named Xayide. She's an evil queen, or an evil princess, or an evil witch, or something. It hardly matters.
The important thing is that she wears some of the wackiest outfits I've ever seen. Also, her castle is shaped like a giant hand. She's played by Italian model and entertainer Clarissa Burt, who's pretty damn hot. Something tells me she pushed a few kids in the theater to the next chapter of puberty, if you know what I mean.
"These wings are functional as well as stylish!"
We first find Xayide sitting on a throne of thorns, and she literally puts on her face when her servants enter. By which I mean, her face is just a smooth surface, and she has no features until she dips her hands in some makeup and wipes it across her face.
And if you're wondering how she eats and breathes, and other science facts, tell yourself it's just a crappy movie, and you should really just relax.
Xayide has two servants. The first one is a bird-man named Nimbly, and the second is a scientist named Tri-Face who looks like a Lewis Carroll reject. As the name implies, Tri-Face has three faces that all rotate around under a hood. I'd point out how every time his faces rotate, it's pretty obvious which two are fake, but far be it for me to spoil the "magic".
One of Fantasia's dirty little secrets is that Tri-Face is a trysexual.
Xayide and her servants walk over to the "Memory Machine", which looks like a gumball machine. A ridiculously ornate gumball machine, but a gumball machine nonetheless. Xayide demands exposition from Tri-Face about how the machine works, under the guise of explaining it to Nimbly.
It turns out every time Bastian uses the AURYN to make a wish, a memory will be sucked out of his head. (And I actually didn't know until just now that he could use the AURYN to make wishes, so thanks for keeping me up to date, movie.) Once the memory is sucked out of Bastian's head, it'll magically appear as a big marble inside the Memory Machine. In this way, he'll eventually lose all his marbles—I mean, memories, and forget why he came to Fantasia in the first place. This will free up Xayide to "bring order to the chaos they call dreams and stories", and that's pretty much all the motivation we get for this character. Come on, she's evil. Let's all accept it so I can move on.
Back in the Gravy Boat, Bastian cruises along, while Xayide's voiceover orders Nimbly the Bird-Man to "make the Earthling wish". Nimbly flies on over, and drops down into the Gravy Boat, introducing himself to Bastian.
As they get closer to the city, we learn it's called "Silver City". Nimbly says it's surrounded by a lake of acid. To demonstrate, he plucks out a feather, which turns into dry ice vapor the moment it hits the lake.
Nimbly says Bastian can use the AURYN (now on a necklace around his neck, somehow) to wish for the acid to turn into water. Bastian, ever the take-charge kind of kid, says, "I'm sure there's a reason for the acid!" Great. I can see he's going to be very useful. I'm sure that preschool is on fire for a reason! I'm sure that old lady is getting beaten up for a reason!
Nimbly regales Bastian with tales of his wild days as the Vlasic spokesman.
They get to Silver City, where everyone's dressed up like they're living in a 17th Century masquerade ball. I gotta tell you, no matter which fantasy movie I'm watching, Generic Fantasy Land always looks like an incredibly boring place to be. Would any kid really want to hang out with a city full of weirdoes in masks and chiffon gowns?
"Yes, Bastian, 'Fidelio' is the password for
admittance. But what is the password... for the
house?"
Suddenly, the ground starts rumbling and shaking, and everyone runs for cover. Everyone except Bastian, of course, who simply stands there like an idiot calling out for Nimbly. The ground under his feet cracks open, and out pop two giant Crab Monster Puppets.
The Crab Monsters chase Bastian all around the set—I mean, city. They have him cornered right on the edge of the acid, and yet he refuses to use the AURYN to make a wish and save himself. Nimbly appears up above on a balcony, and despite his helpful advice to just make a wish, dammit, Bastian still fails to save himself. Instead, he just repeatedly screams out Nimbly's name. I can already see this is going to be one looooong movie.
"On second thought, I'll have the halibut."
Finally, Nimbly lowers a rope to save Bastian's ass. Bastian climbs the rope, and I'm guessing the Crab Monster can't change direction, because it continues advancing and goes face-first into the acid. And there were like three or four Crab Monsters a second ago, but don't ask me what happened to the other ones.
Then, randomly, Bastian stumbles upon some kind of ventilation shaft or something, and he falls in and goes sliding down into a strange room. Here, he meets a random gaggle of Fantasy People. I'm sure they all have names, but I'm not going to bother,, because they all disappear after this scene. For the sake of brevity, I'll call them the Pile of Puke, Slow Motion Streamers Girl, Harp For a Body Girl, and Mr. Volcano Science Project. Somehow, Bastian has ended up in the "Ship of the Secret Plots", and it would honestly take too long to explain.
Bastian tells them he has to get to the Ivory Tower, which we know from the previous film is where the Childlike Empress lives. In response, Slow Motion Streamers Girl blows some sparkly crap around, revealing a matte painting of the Ivory Tower.
"Bastian, sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion."
The matte painting dissolves to an image of the Childlike Empress, now played by a totally different actress. She's doing a live remote from the Ivory Tower, telling Bastian that some nameless force is trapping her in her tower, and giving her a bad perm. Only Bastian can "name it". According to her, the people of Fantasia need his "dreams and stories to exist". And she actually says, "Bastian! You are my last hope!" Really? No line of dialogue was too clichéd for these filmmakers, was it?
So, let's see... They need Bastian's dreams and stories to save Fantasia? And they also need him to name something? Isn't that exactly what the first movie was about?
"And that's the situation here at the Ivory Tower. Back to you in the studio, Bastian."
