Note from the author: This is the third in my series of tributes to cheesy action movies of the '80s and early '90s, the first being Action Jackson, and the second being Stone Cold. Rather than in-depth recaps or straightforward reviews, these will contain a brief synopsis followed by a longer list of highlights, notes, and observations.

The '80s were a golden age of big, dumb, mindless action movies. Unlike the vapid, soulless, glorified music videos that were the action movies of the '90s, action movies of the '80s were light on smarts, but heavy on fun, bloodshed, and things getting blown up real good. It was a time when top-tier stars like Schwarzenegger and Stallone ruled the box office. But today, my tour of duty takes me to the murky second tier. Yes folks, I'm about to examine what may be the ultimate Cannon film—to say nothing of the best Chuck Norris movie ever made: Invasion U.S.A.

One of the big movie trends of the '80s was a sub-genre known as Cold War Exploitation, made up of cheesy, ultra-patriotic films that used the backdrop of US-Soviet relations as a staging point for exceedingly ridiculous action. And like most of the other action films of the era, they relied on a rather heavy amount of paranoia that made them even funnier.

But the best defense against a raving, paranoid concept is simple: point and laugh your ass off. I mean it—one of the best things about the '80s is the hilarious way world issues were incorporated into action films of that period. Prime examples of this are Red Dawn, Rambo: First Blood Part II and of course, our current subject.

Here, Chuck Norris plays Matt Hunter, a former government agent who now spends his time doing two things: 1) wrestling gators in Florida and 2) being stoic. Meanwhile, a psychotic Russian named Rostov (played by B-movie staple Richard Lynch) is leading an invasion of America by a combined force of Russian and Cuban bad guys. He also has a rather huge grudge against Hunter, which pulls our hero into the action.

It's pretty much a non-stop slaughterfest, with ludicrous action and dialogue that makes for one hell of a good time. The only demerit this film gets is due to its sole female character of any importance. But even her performance is hilarious in its awfulness.

(One last note before I begin: I'm giving myself an extra challenge here, to see if I can get through this entire article without making a single Chuck Norris Facts joke. Let's see how I do.)

I give this one 9 out of 10 karate kicks to the head. Let the laughing and pointing begin.

1. The movie begins with Cannon's standard canary yellow opening credits, this time playing over a boat of Cuban refugees. Seriously, pretty much every single Cannon film I've ever seen breaks out the yellow credits. It's kind of comforting, actually.

2. After the movie engages in some pathos-building with the refugees, a Coast Guard boat turns up with Richard Lynch at the helm. This should be a sign to any B movie fan that this boat isn't here to save the day. Lynch has had a pretty diverse career playing villains in Cannon films, playing villains in Charles Band productions... hell, you name a production company that churns out cheesy genre films, and chances are Richard Lynch has given at least one of their films a moderately bright spot by playing the villain. This time, he's a despicable Russkie named Rostov. We learn just how evil he is when he has all of the refugees brutally machine gunned.

3. In addition to killing the refugees, he also steals a large amount of cocaine hidden on the boat. The reveal of the cocaine is suitably cheesy, with a huge musical sting announcing its discovery.

4. This takes us to the main title, done in silvery chrome. But apparently the titles guy found this creatively exhausting, because it's immediately back to canary yellow.

5. Cut to Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris) piloting one of those cool one-man hydrofoils (or air boats) that you always see in films set in Florida. Just like it's always Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and California is always sunny, Florida is always crawling with these boats. Jay Chattaway's bombastic score plays out over shots of Chuck and the Florida marshlands.

6. Also in the credits, we find out Chuck himself came up with the story, and his brother Aaron co-wrote the screenplay. Aaron Norris directed several films starring his older brother, including the third Missing in Action and Delta Force 2, as well as executive producing Walker: Texas Ranger. This pretty much makes him the only younger sibling in the world who can get away with bossing his older brother around for 25 years straight.

7. Later that night, the FBI shows up at the docks to investigate the refugee massacre. Well, they're actually investigating the Coast Guard boat, which our ruthless villains have apparently just ditched. Yes, these are the same guys who will later be invading our entire country.

8. The head FBI guy learns that a reporter was the first to find and board the ship. It's here that we're introduced to our female lead, McGuire, the angriest reporter in the history of cinema. Melissa Prophet plays her at roughly the same level of rage as the Obligatory Pissed-Off Captain in cop films. She's abrasive and unlikable, obnoxious to the point of insanity, and is really only in the film to fill out the cast.

9. The FBI boards the boat and finds what one would guess is the crew. Oddly enough, for such a small ship, it looks to have roughly the same size crew as the Enterprise.

10. There's a brief scene of Hunter going all Croc Hunter on an alligator, along with his friend, who we may as well just call Dead Meat right now.

11. Cut to Rostov in the city, making his way through a dingy motel. He meets up with a drug dealer played by Billy Drago, and sells him the cocaine stolen from the boat. In exchange, he gets what looks like enough weapons and ammo to make Rambo drool like a St. Bernard.

12. After confirming things with his Cuban second-in-command (who he speaks to in Russian for some reason), Rostov delivers a truly memorable moment in the history of cinema. First, he slams Drago's girlfriend's head through a table. And then he kills Drago with his signature move: sticking his gun down the guy's pants [!] and firing twice. He follows this up by tossing the girlfriend through a window, after which he calmly leaves. Yes, I am serious about all of this. It actually happens. We're then treated to a "humorous" bit as the desk clerk at the motel happens upon all the cocaine and steals it.

13. Next up is a quick scene of Hunter and his gator-wrangling friend as they sell a gator to a random guy. Hunter turns down a dinner of frogs, blah blah blah those kooky colorful Floridians, and then it's quickly to the next scene.

14. Later that night, a guy who looks like an older version of Brian Bosworth's partner in Stone Cold paddles a rowboat through the water, making his way to a shack. This is shot like something out of a slasher movie, which is somewhat appropriate, considering director Joe Zito also helmed The Prowler and Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Not to mention Dolph Lundgren's Red Scorpion and Chuck's first Missing in Action film. Quite the pedigree with this guy. And if not for money problems, he would have helmed a Spider-Man movie for Cannon in the '80s.

15. In a jump-scare moment (in an action movie?), Hunter leaps out at the guy in the rowboat. Hunter says he's "not interested", so I guess this guy is either trying to recruit Hunter into stopping the bad guys (who he hasn't shown any signs of even being aware of), or Hunter gets hassled regularly by Florida's Jehovah's Witness community, and is now just attacking at will.

16. It turns out that Hunter is a former CIA operative and, of course, the only man for the job. Rostov's name is mentioned, but Hunter still refuses. He says he should have been allowed to kill Rostov when he had the chance. Foreshadowing!

17. Meanwhile, Rostov is sneaking around some guy's palatial estate, planning an assassination with a rocket launcher. Hey, it was the '80s, what can I say? At least while all the carnage is going on, we're not getting bombarded by some dumb-ass message about not doing drugs.

18. The assassination is foiled by Hunter placing a gun to Rostov's head. "Not this time, Rostov. It's time to die." He's whispering, but it's Chuck Norris, so for all we know this could be how Chuck shouts at the top of his lungs.

19. Instead of shooting Rostov, Hunter kicks him right in the face. Cut to Rostov waking up with a start. Yes, it was all a dream. This sucks and it's a cheat, but at least it's not how they decided to end the movie.

20. In response to his nightmare, Rostov calls up his Cuban second-in-command, and makes it clear they have to kill Hunter before they can implement their plan. And yes, they're both speaking in Russian again, even though the second-in-command looks and sounds about as Russian as Cheech Marin. Maybe Golan and Globus figured all Commies can understand each other no matter what language they're speaking. Hey, at least it's a break from the over the top Arab-bashing they usually indulged in.

21. A pseudo-"This guy is good!" moment comes when Rostov tells his second-in-command that he's seen what Hunter can do. Hence, his obsession with making sure he's out of the way.

22. After a brief debate, it's back to Hunter's place as he takes a chainsaw to a log for some reason. Meanwhile, four airboats speed towards his house.

23. Hunter has a pet armadillo. Cool.

24. Rostov and company arrive at Hunter's house, just as his friend Dead Meat shows up. Naturally, he's the first to die, but he does manage to take out one baddie with a shotgun.

25. Hunter's house gets blown up, but Hunter luckily escapes through the rear window long before this happens.

26. Surveying the destruction, Rostov announces that it's over and leaves with his troops. Yep, no checking for a body or anything. So, the psycho bad guy who was so obsessed with Hunter that he put all of his plans on hold evidently doesn't go for the whole "double-checking" thing. Once they're gone, Hunter gives his friend a Viking funeral, then gets in his truck and goes off to up the body count.

27. By the way, the armadillo survives. It stumbles around like Bruce Willis at the end of an action scene in Die Hard, but it survives!

28. At a beachside restaurant, Rostov meets with his Russo-Cuban second-in-command, who finally gets a name: "Nikko". Music indicates this is happening during the holiday season, unless folks in Florida just play "Jingle Bells" any damn time they feel like it.

29. As Rostov switches from Russian to English in mid-conversation, he outlines his plan: he's mounting the first full-scale invasion of America in over 200 years. Well, at least he's picked a good starting point. Florida seems a bit more sensible than those guys in Red Dawn who kicked things off in Colorado.

30. Actually, come to think of it, this movie is really more of a Red Dawn knockoff than a Rambo knock off. First Blood Part II was released a scant five months prior to this, and while Cannon films tended to come together fast and cheap, we're not talking Roger Corman fast and cheap here.

31. Now you'd probably expect an invasion of the United States to involve taking out a few military bases, killing some important officials, that sort of thing. Well, you'd be quite wrong. Here, the invasion kicks off with another scene straight out of Friday the 13th: Nikko kills two horny teens on the beach, using a gun with the most defective silencer in the history of modern cinema.

32. You see, the big twist here—which makes our dastardly evil villains more dastardly and evil—is that it's an "all civilian targets"-type invasion. The two teens are offed, and then Rostov's invasion force comes ashore in boats. Said invasion force runs out to a fleet of trucks and vans, and 35 minutes into our movie, the invasion is officially on. So I guess it'll soon be time for Chuck to get some sweet, sweet payback.

33. Or not. We find Hunter at an outdoor pizza place (does Florida have any indoor eateries?) meeting up with a CIA guy, who gives Hunter an assignment. Hunter accepts, but then leaves the guy to pay the check.

34. The next day on the beach, local law enforcement is investigating all the boats. Angry Reporter Lady shows up and endears herself to us once again. She takes note of Hunter and gives him the wickedly clever nickname of "Cowboy".

35. The invasion force's first target is—drum roll—a suburban neighborhood. Not even civilian barracks on an army base. This street looks like something straight out of a Steven Spielberg film. I'm just waiting for Richard Dreyfuss to walk out the front door and build a replica of Devil's Tower in his yard.

36. There's some serious pathos-building going on here, showing how much of an average picture of America this neighborhood is. The cheesy sappiness is broken up when Rostov blows up a house with a rocket launcher. The explosion takes out a Christmas tree as well. He moves on to other houses, and while I'm sure this was intended to be a shockingly horrific scene, it's pretty damn funny.

37. I really have to wonder if there were people in the audience back then who took this sort of thing seriously. If so, they're mostly likely secluded in Montana these days, sitting in their homemade bunkers eating out of cans and being slowly destroyed from the inside out by their own paranoia. Hey, whatever floats your boat.