Agents of SHIELD Recap: Skye Is Officially The Worst

Remember last week on SHIELD when it was sorta kinda about the Avengers? That was cool. We’re probably not going to be that lucky this week.

We open with Coulson cracking wise to some perhaps Russian captors as they facepunch him for being a wiseass and point out he won’t be so snarky when the interrogator comes. Whatever. We’re just happy it isn’t opening with the fucking plane.

The interrogator has a tray of tools straight out of Little Shop of Horrors.

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It just seems like if you were a professional interrogator, you’d have specialized tools, you know?

Oh wait. It’s a double double cross again, or something. The interrogator is really a SHIELD spy so he and Coulson are rescued before he has to pull Coulson’s eyelids off with a tweezers or something to maintain cover.

They exit into an Arctic space. Why? So they can mount dogsleds that do not have dogs because they are being pulled by the fucking plane. I am not even kidding.

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It’s like they decided since they had such a small teevee budget, they might as well blow it all on the plane. YOLO.

The interrogator, who is actually Agent Shaw, is along for the plane ride and has a disgusting mucus-covered bit pulled out of his nose, because that is how he was storing the intel. All you can think of as they get it out of him is this.

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FitzSimmons and Skye follow Coulson around like a pack of puppies asking how they can help read or decode or snuggle the mucus plug data, but it is classified level 8, which only Coulson is, so suck it everyone else. Skye is sad and wants in, but although it works that way on the plane, it can’t work that way when they get to the Hub, whatever that might be.

Skye is still wearing the no hacker bracelet and she is jonesin’ for a fix, begging Coulson to let her look up something, anything! Coulson declines.

Level Seven folks can join Coulson in the briefing, but Skye is Level Nothing, so haha. Is all this terminology deliberately all Scientology nose-tweaking? Let’s hope so.

The big boss is Victoria Hand, who is your basic no-nonsense unfeeling bitch that is required when you have Powerful Lady At The Top. She’s curt and explains that the recovered data concerns a super-secret super-scary device that will allow a separatist group to sliver itself off from Russia and Georgia. Insert long tedious explanation of weapon here. Suffice to say it is capable of turning everyone else’s weapons against them or something something, so they need two people to break in and steal it, and they only have 24 hours and it can’t be Grant and May, because they are competent super-spies and where is the fun in that. Instead, it has to be Fitz and Grant for some complicated and wacky reason. Also, too, they have to go dark, as the spies say, and have no communication with any other SHIELDies while on the mission.

Now it’s off to the Caucasus Mountains with the ill-matched Fitz and Grant. Fitz is going on and on about a wacky science thing and Grant is annoyed and then we go into the obligatory shady bar

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…where Grant is supposed to meet his connect but his connect is dead of course and now everyone wants to shoot Grant.

Back at plane, Skye is still being pissy about not being allowed to know what is happening with the mission because she’s not a Level Seven, so she’s taking potshots at May, who is. I can never tell if Skye is supposed to be likable when she does this or not. Is it supposed to be some sort of tenacious dog with bone thing that she keeps pushing everyone to just let her do what she wants even though when they do that she gives their data to the Rising Tide? It doesn’t come across as anything but whiny and weirdly entitled. Why not let Skye skip any sort of training or safety measures? She’s Skye! Don’t you people know who she is? She needs answers! She’s going to get them! Seriously, we kind of hate her a lot right now.

Snotty tense convo between Hand and Coulson that serves only to remind us that OHMYGOD COULSON MIGHT BE A ROBOT. Gah. That part is just becoming a MacGuffin.

Some stereotypical giant Russian lady is going to kill Grant and Fitz. Perhaps she could take Skye out with them.

Skye, of course, is now trotting after Coulson yipping away about how she needs information about the mission. Coulson rebuffs her and she literally crosses her arms and pouts like a teenager.

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And oh, of course she’s going to drag Simmons into her nonsense break all the rules behavior because no one that works for SHIELD has ever been trained to behave themselves ever.

Back in the seedy bar, Fitz has fixed the fuse box, and now everyone loves him because they can watch some sort of sportsball and guess what Fitz will probably save them all or something. We can’t really let an episode go by, though, where Grant doesn’t smash and shoot some things. so although Fitz has gotten them most of the way across the border, we have to have a little gunplay and running.

Coulson has gone to have one of his one-way talks with May. Literally, they’re just one way. He talks and she refuses to stop what she’s doing and rolls her eyes the whole time. As much as we hate Skye is how much we love May. Coulson’s having feels about just randomly telling everyone in his team what is going on because that is how he climbed to the top of the SHIELD heap – by just telling big secrets anytime it made him sad not to.

Skye has enlisted Simmons to help her hack SHIELD because everyone in this is stupid and lacks impulse control and of course she is caught in like two seconds and of course Simmons shoots a superior officer, Agent Sitwell, with the sleepy gun. Does Skye walk away from this situation? Of course not! She just bullies Simmons into trying to drag May in.

The boys, meanwhile, are stuck in a drainage ditch and squabbling like Edith and Archie.

You know who we like in this show? May. You know why we like May? Because she doesn’t fucking talk all the time.

Of course Skye gets in the mainframe and everything is in one place because that’s how superspies work, and of course instead of figuring out where the boys are, she spends the time trying to find out about her parents. Way to go, Skye. When she does finally get around to looking for the boys with her last 15 seconds of computer access, she figures out that there is no extraction planned for them because oh of course there isn’t. She picks a fight with Coulson in the hallway of the Hub because that is for sure where deeply classified high-risk conversations happen in spyland. We’re treated to another one of her deep feels on how SHIELD should be more open source and share information and lack hierarchy and OH GOD MAKE IT STOP. Coulson explains to her that one day he may have to trust her with a secret and if she really wants to be an agent she’ll behave and it is exactly like listening to a parent try to have a rational conversation with a 14-year-old.

Grant is realizing there’s no extraction plan either, but Fitz is busy playing with a thing that looks like a first-generation Android phone

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…but is really a super sophisticated x-ray thingy that ultimately serves no real use except as a joke punchline.

Coulson goes to Hand to yell about the no extraction plan and earnestly explain that his people should have been able to decide whether they go in or not. Urm. That is not how quasi-military spy agencies work, really.

Fitz is working on disabling the doomsday device or whatever it is, and Grant is trying to get him to leave so that he can save his life because there’s no extraction plan and they’ll be on their own. They then proceed to have a 90-second conversation about how they both are good at what they do and by golly they will take care of each other. Isn’t the doomsday machine tick tick ticking along right now?

Now the remainder of the Scooby gang is going to go swoop in and save Fitz and Grant, because certainly they’re going to be able to get to the Caucasus Mountains in mere minutes.

Cue some fighting complete with Fitz using the rest of the show’s special effects budget on shooting the doomsday device at some bad men.

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He and Grant get outside, and now Coulson and crew are here to extract them with – you guessed it – a plane.

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Look, we will suspend our disbelief to watch action hero sci-fi sorts of things, but this means that Coulson and his team were literally seconds away from Fitz and Grant and had time to just gas up a jet and fly in. This timeframe doesn’t make sense even in SHIELDland.

Now we’re back in the big plane for the obligatory end-of-show rah rah bonding. Fitz and Simmons get to chat. Skye and Grant get to chat. Skye and Coulson get to chat. Everyone chats except May, and for this May has our undying devotion.

Coulson managed get info on Skye’s parents and learned that the info she was checking out isn’t about her directly – it is about the SHIELD agent that dropped her off at the orphanage when she was wee. It was a lady SHIELD agent, but it may or may not be SkyeMom. We have never cared less about a plot development in our entire lives, even when she hugs Coulson and he tears up because maybe he is hiding something? Of course he is hiding something.

Yep, he sure is. Coulson tells May that he told Skye what happened except not really what happened because he didn’t tell her why it happened and maybe he’s not really sure why it happened either? But he’s going to go digging. Jesus, America, thank your lucky stars that this is not a real agency protecting you, because they are busy being dumb and not keeping secrets and dealing with personal shit ALL THE TIME.

Damn. Coulson has figured out that he might be dead. He makes a call and demands the file documenting his death and recovery, but he doesn’t have access. Sorry, Coulson. This is probably going to fuck you up a bit, and it will allow the show to drag that part out a little longer. Tune in next week!

TV Show: Marvel's Agents of SHIELD

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  • BMW

    Bright side: the sooner Skye finds out what happened to her parents, the sooner they can wrap up that storyline and kill her off.

  • Jack

    I’m actually rather offended you referred to SHIELD as the Scooby Gang in this review/rant. Buffy was a million times better than this drivel.

  • Jason M

    “Tune in next week”. And that’s the thing. I don’t even want to, but I will. I feel like this show is holding me hostage. Like, if I ever do turn away, THAT is gonna be the moment Doctor Doom and Spider-Man battle via Dance Dance Revolution. I’m sick of the characters, I’m sick of the writing, and I’m just sick of this show. And yet…

  • Z3R0TH3RT33N

    Agreed kill Skye off immediately I don’t even care if they wrap her story.

  • CC

    gods you all need to chill this is a TV SHOW! These characters are not meant to make every viewer happy. Asking for even someone fictional to die based off of how child-like they may be is ridiculous.