Agents Of Shield Recap: Skye Is The Only Hacker On The Planet

Another week with the Agents of SHIELD. We’re in Hong Kong. With a street magician. And a lady gazing on intently. Ooh! But street magician can actually make fire with his mind, or his hands, or something.

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Lady is impressed, yo, and goes back home with him, maybe to see his etchings. He does real magic with his fire hands. Lady believes he has been chosen…chosen to get bum-rushed by two silver hazmat suit wearing people.

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I probably would not like to be chosen for this honor.

THE PLANE THE FUCKING PLANE IS HERE THEY STILL HAVE A PLANE.

Skye and Grant are playing…Battleship. Does this advance the plot? Not really! It’s just another chance for them to banter in a way that is supposed to be Hepburn-Tracy but is instead more Tweedledee-Tweedledum.

We’re chatting about street magician, who is apparently on a “list” of people who are under observation because of his special pyro powers. He’s under observation by some SHIELD agents, but now he has disappeared, presumably magicked away by the dudes in the shiny silver fireproof suits.

Fireproof people learned about the special powers magician because Rising Tide hacked into their database, which means it is time for Skye to explain that IT WASN’T HER YOU GUYS IT IS SOME OTHER HACKTIVIST IN RISING TIDE. Yes, she really says hacktivist.

Magician thinks pretty lady, friend of fireproof people, is from SHIELD but oh no, she is not. She’s going to help him increase his power and renown and now he has a new comic book villain sort of name, Scorch. (Casual googling tells me this is someone that appears in the comic book minimally. That’s all I know. You’re welcome).

Speed hacking with Skye. Truly, she is the best hacker in the known universe because everything takes like 5 minutes tops AND she does it while the whole SHIELD team hangs about.

Hacker is famous hacker that has hacked into the Kremlin, but he’s in Austin. God, at least we don’t have to watch the plane fly to Austin. Hacker spots Grant watching him right away because apparently Grant is the worst spy in the world. Super hacker is able to hack streetlights so that SHIELD can’t catch him in cars either. SHIELD agents, you are sucking at being spies/agents/whatevs.

Oh, of course, Skye is double-agenting again and is in SuperHacktivist’s apartment when he gets home, having given several SHIELD agents the slip just by running away and driving somewhere. She’s mad at him for hacking while she’s on the inside, and we have to watch a 10-second squabble about that before they make mad passionate love and then have a clunky post-coital conversation about how she’s on the inside and it is her chance and he can’t hack SHIELD anymore and where on earth is Skye’s top so she can wander around in her bra for most of the scene. (Not complaining, for reals, but still clunky as all get out).

Oops. Melinda has tracked Skye there and is at the door, all silent ninja-like, when Skye flings it open looking for the still-missing shirt.

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Coulson has to stern dad confront Skye and listen to her explain how she was just trying to help. Somehow, she’s still not tossed off the team, or in jail, or whatever. WORST SPIES EVER.

Interrogation time with the hacktivist, who is just busy explaining that information wants to be free. He’s more boring and hate-able than Skye who OH THANK GOD HAS FINALLY BEEN HANDCUFFED.

Pretty lady is going to inject Scorch with something that will make him superpower-y and you just know it is going to fuck him up down the line but for now it makes him make much bigger fire. The whole world will see what he can do now, which is basically now throw really big fireballs instead of small ones.

Hacktivist and Skye are handcuffed together in a small room so that hacktivist can yell about how Snowden is a modern-day hero. SHIELD has figured out that Mr. Idealist Hacktivist has actually sold the information that wanted to be free for a cool $1 million. He sold it to the pretty lady because he thought it was some sort of eco-research firm that is actually the people working on Centipede, which is the seeekrit project that keeps popping back up and going away. They want to create a super soldier and it seems like the really complicated way to do that is to inject Scorch with the Extremis to help stablize the Extremis, which has this nasty tendency to explode, and then they suck his blood platelets back out. Couldn’t they just have pulled his blood out and co-mingled it or something? But then we’d miss the torture-y medical part where they strap him down to pull out the blood.

Agents Of Shield Recap: Skye Is The Only Hacker On The Planet

Back to hacktivist fight. He sold the stoled information that what wanted to be free so that he could get his life together with some moniez. He’s the worst idealist ever.

Scorch is going all Extremis rage because that’s what happens with Extremis. Meanwhile, we’re back letting Skye hack something again because Coulson can only be mad at her so long or there are literally no computer professionals that SHIELD can call upon or I don’t know what. They’re also just letting hacktivist dude hang around while they do super-secret cyber-breaking into the facility where Coulson and May are watching Scorch turn hostile human fireball.

OH GOD OF COURSE THEY NEED HACKTIVIST GUY TO HACK TOO. How do you become a superspy agency that tracks people all over the world and makes the NSA look like Baby’s First Commodore 64, but you can’t ever do a computer thing without Skye or now, apparently, her random bearded fuckbuddy tech dude.

Scorch, meanwhile, is being MUCH more interesting by burning one of the lady scientists to death so we can get a glimpse of the top-notch special effects this show has to offer.

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Scorch blows up, building blows sky-high. Do not let anyone inject you with the super-serum because eventually you get all blowed up, like in “The Avengers.” Should we go watch “The Avengers” again? It would be much better than watching this any longer.

Coulson, in what might be the only good part of this episode, tells the hacktivist to get gone, but only after locking down his ability to keep hacking by putting a special bracelet on him. SHIELD, you can’t hack anything without this guy or Skye but you’re so techno-advanced that you can stop all access to electronic devices with a special bracelet? Also, too, Coulson tells him to just get out and go, and when hacktivist whines that they are currently in Hong Kong and he lives in Austin, Coulson just affirms that is indeed the case. I would like this scene better if they dropped him out of the omnipresent plane, but I’ll take what I can get.

Skye has to go see Coulson for some sort of Daddy is Mad talk. She tries to get Grant to go with her, but he declines because perhaps people on this show have finally come to their senses and are not just going to be all friend-y with someone who is infiltrating them and getting caught at it. Coulson is mad, and wants to know, finally finally, why Skye is here and what her secret is.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Her secret is some boring microchip. She learned to hack and joined the Rising Tide so she could find out details about her parents, because of what how she is an orphan. WORST ORIGIN STORY EVER EVEN MORE BORING THAN SCORCH. She will never stop looking for her parents! Now Coulson is all soft, and says that mebbe he can help, but first she has to wear the anti-electronic device bracelet too. She is sad. I am sad because this is not getting any more interesting.

End scene of pretty lady talking to prison man about the Secret Evil Plan to make super soldiers. I think it is Meaningful, but I’m probably past caring.

Tune in next week! Skye will probably be allowed to hack something, even though she’s wearing the special bracelet. Melinda will express no emotion whatsoever. FitzSimmons will invent a thing, and we will have more allusions to Coulson Is Probably a Robot. Fun!

TV Show: Marvel's Agents of SHIELD

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  • Estproph

    I tried to watch it last night. I failed.

    • GunGrabbingMarxistMuslim

      I got as far as Battleship. I wanted to kinda like this show, but that was too high a bar for it to clear, sadly.

  • BMW

    But but but Coulson BELIEVES in her!!!!