19 KIDS & COUNTING RECAP: Family Bondage (S19:E9-10)

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Momma and Daddy Duggar are ready to teach the older girls how to get kinky on an S&M-themed triple date… which explains why this episode showed up on my daily RedTube search for “mother + daughter + handcuffs.”

We start with 23-year-old Jill and 21-year-old Jessa fretting about what kind of surprise Daddy Duggar is going to whip out at a picnic with fiancé Derick and boyfriend Ben this afternoon. The suspense is fucking killing us, but first we get a quick “Kids Say the Darnedest Things” aside:

Ruminating on what it means to be married, 8-year-old Johannah sagely advises us that “A marriage  should at least last a while.”

“For like 11 times!” adds 4-year-old Josie.

“No! A hundred!” says 5-year-old Jordyn, because that bitch is always one-upping everyone, amirite?

Heartwarming chuckles complete, let’s get back to the kink. Daddy, Momma, and the two couples load up in the SUV for another trademark Duggars driving scene. But this one quickly starts to go awry when Daddy guns the engine. Oh no, it’s the cops! Is Jim Bob finally going to get busted for that trail of dead hookers he left behind in the early 1990s?

Nah, second eldest son John-David apparently works at the local police department and helped Daddy Duggar arrange a little life lesson for the young couples. The cop handcuffs Daddy’s little girls to their respective suitors so they can learn what it takes to be good little wives… oh, yeah, I like where this is going…

handcuff sex

So what’s it take to be a good wife? Making sandwiches, of course! No joke. It’s an internet meme come to life. The two couple have to make sandwiches while handcuffed together as a lesson in cooperation and communication. You’ve got to work together even when it’s uncomfortable, Daddy explains, because IT’S A METAPHOR, GET IT?!

Jessa and Ben have no problem making lunch because they’re separated by an extra set of handcuffs so their non-engaged hands don’t accidently meet. Lesson: life’s easier for single people.

Another lesson: police officers are happy to waste time and misappropriate police equipment for local celebrities. Your tax dollars at work.

We cut away from bondage time for a quick trip to Washington, DC, to visit with eldest son Josh. He’s about to run a 5K. He’s running a 5K. He ran a 5K. That’s it.

Back to the S&M picnic. Now it’s time for our handcuffed couples to scale each piece of equipment on the playground in turn as sort of a makeshift obstacle course. “The lesson to be learned in this is in life there are ups and downs,” says Momma Duggar.

(Side note: Last week, on the same day my wife and I were welcoming our first child into the world, Michelle Duggar showed up right here to our hometown of Nashville pushing for a state constitutional amendment against abortions. Apparently if I can’t make it to the TV to watch her, she’s going to track me down where I live. Yet more evidence that this entire show is a plot against me personally.)

Finally, the couples were required to fire a compound hunting bow together, with the ladies pulling the strings while the gentlemen were left gripping their shafts. At last a metaphor for marriage I understand!

Jill and Derick hit the target in two tries, Jessa and Ben in one. And that’s the thrilling conclusion to bondage night with the Duggars.

Episode 2—damn it, why are there always two?!—starts with Momma Duggar explaining that she likes to spend one-on-one time with her kids whenever possible. Today it’s 8-year-old Johannah’s turn, and they’re going horseback riding. Four-year-old Josie is jealous and angry, and it’s the first time I’ve seen any of the little kids act like little kids. It’s refreshing and more than a little reassuring.

Momma Duggar is scared of horses, but she puts on her big girl panties and rides around with Johannah for a while. There’s no point to the scene, so it’s once again like some exceptionally dull coworker is forcing us to look through their phone at all the photos of their kid.

Next, it’s “Bible Time” in the Duggar home, when everyone grabs their Bibles and talks about their day. If the Bibles are actually used, it’s fortunately edited out. Instead we get to listen to Jessa talk about how ushy-gushy her panties are when she’s around Ben. “Let’s get married FASTER!” she pleads. I wonder if she kept the handcuffs…

Perhaps to cool down Jessa’s hormones, she and Ben are assigned to take five of the little kids to Fast Lane, the local Chuck E. Cheese-like establishment. Do we talk about Fast Lane’s signature giant pizzas for three straight minutes? Yes, we do! Duggar kids are never too young to learn the importance of product placement. Paying for things is for non-famous people.

Meanwhile, John-David and Daddy Duggar have found a giant parking lot to build a race track for the boxwood derby cars the kids have been building all season. But there’s trouble in paradise when the two men disagree about… something! Then they resolve it… somehow! I didn’t want the details and they didn’t give them to me, so I guess I can’t complain.

Speaking of disagreements, back in the Fast Lane, Ben tells the little ones to wash the pizza grease off their hands before playing video games so their hands won’t be slippery and they won’t lose… but then Jessa totally corrects him that kids need to wash their hands because they don’t want to make the video games all yucky for other people. OH NO SHE DEH-UNT! Ben says they’re both right, but you can see the “are you fucking kidding me” in his eyes.

It’s the right answer because Jessa starts gushing about how many little ones she wants (of course she does – no one in this family realizes there’s possibly any other topic of conversation) and this trip to the pizza place is kind of like Ben’s audition for being a dad.

Okay, the derby track is assembled and now the entire family is decorating the area with balloons and flags and tents because they’re making a whole day of it. Suddenly, 11-year-old Justin realizes someone has cut the brakes on his white racecar! Holy shit, this turning into an episode of The Sopranos!

19 kids 19.10 race

Sadly, there’s no fiery crash and thrilling investigation where everyone’s a suspect… Ben just stands at the end of the track to catch the damaged car at the end of each race.

Justin wins round one. Perhaps having no brakes is an advantage.

Although the show makes a big deal of the alleged suspense over who will win round two, they never actually bother to tell us. Details, huh? But don’t worry, I know a lot of you having money riding on it so I managed to freeze the video during a shot of the leaderboard. Fourteen-year-old Jason won. You know I’ll always take care of you, gentle reader.

Round three is the grand championship. Justin wins it all!!!

Wow, so after eight episodes of building the cars, the Duggars ran the cars a grand total of three times. Each race lasted about 22 seconds, so that’s a solid minute of fun. Granted that’s a hell of lot more than the audience had.

Previous episodes:

S19:E7-8 (Still in process)

S19:E6 Jill takes off all her clothes repeatedly

S19:E4-5 Why do all these black people keep forcing us to eat vegetables?

S19:E2-3 If you can’t try foreplay, why not try gun play?

S19:E1 Come back, Snipy, come back!

TV Show: 19 Kids and Counting

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  • Vienna Woods

    Jessa and Ben have no problem making lunch because they’re separated by an extra set of handcuffs so their non-engaged hands don’t accidently meet.You must be fucking kidding me. PLEASE say this isn’t so.

    • I wish I was clever enough to make that up.